what is happening to my life

No one knows how i feel right now 'coz i can't tell anybody but myself. I always feel like i'm the good thing then suddenly iam the worst person in the world. one minute everybody is offering me a smile, then the next minute everybody hates me. am i really meant to be here? am i really the one who should be standing next to him. maybe not, coz all these years he's been showing me that i am the worst woman that a man could be with.
why is it that nobody ever told me about how other people will think about you? how they will treat you, affect your life, your perception of life. why is it that they only see the not so good things that you do. they always oversee the good things you try to do just so they would love you. just so they would care for you. you try to prove to them you mean no harm but they only think otherwise. they always think you are the worst person born on earth, like you will never do anything good on earth. no one sees the things that you try to do to make them feel special. but it turns out to make things even worst.
i dont even know how to write a blog. when i am not in front of a pc or am not holding pen and paper i have so many thoughts. they all come rushing in my head and then when i am holding / infront of any writing material i loose everything and then it all ends to nothing.
i dont even know how to express myself in writing to myself. i've been trying to write a diary but the diary always turn s out as a notebook for something else. for songs for poems or anything else. i can't talk to anybody, i don't know how to show my feelings to anyone so i end up messing things up. i can't confide even to my wine. coz he always finds a way out of anything. he can make his faults mine. he never forgives me. he always says he's got a responsibility to his family. but does not even care about me. does he not have responsibilities to me too? i am not talking about sexual responsibilities, but more on mental and those other things. i only actually ask for it, coz its the only time i feel wanted by him.
i ran away from home, i did not ask him to keep me, he asked me to stay with him. i know its my responsibility to actually help out in here and i do it. but then